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Grin Away

Broken References Out Of Order: Trading Memories

8/8/16 12:32 am - Broken References Out Of Order: Trading Memories

A spark in a moment. That's... well, I'd like to say that that's all it takes. I can't bear to say that that's all that it took. A spark in the moment and my eyes opened; this is true. They saw something, and the lie of the world, the lie of my life... I'd never bothered to believe I knew who I was. Perhaps that made it easier.
I dropped what people would have called a perspective, or interpretation of the world, then, if you could say it like that. People have been through this sort of thing before. Isn't that fair to say? Someone would be inclined to read those words and recognize images throughout history who have stepped out of the ordinary line and become famous in referenced contexts, so often within certain regions or specified communities. Then, they get written down and carried on. Sometimes I'd look at that and think of myself as an amateur, under-accomplished; I'm pretty sure I'm going to stay some nobody; I'd certainly rather stay hidden through all of this, it's not the world they grew up in anymore. But I always looked at what they had to say, tried to carry it in heart. I'd manipulate it, over time, like I did everything. No matter how I put things for you, will you ever know that my tone of voice is there to symbolize something?

I grew up in a strange place.
It may seem odd
I don't think of my childhood as when I grew up
It formed the foundation of what I destroyed
To become who I am today.

Everyone has ambitions and goals in life. I sincerely believe that this statement can be justified; these aims may be as simple as living well or being happy. Strangely, they have to fight for it. Strangely, all intercepted details make it look like they'll have to fight for it more, but that statement gets complicated. People look at those living in 'impoverished' nations, they assume their life is a constant struggle. There's a long list of details to reference on that subject, but generalized is a concept latent in the human mind that, without technology and civilization, human beings can be neither safe nor happy. Humans living in regions with technology and civilization, they look at what they've done to get 'this far' in life, to reach the point they're at. If you pay attention, they take well to the claim that they've had to fight to get there. Fighting is no longer the struggle of combat, the fear of death, the battle with incurable disease. Things have moved on. Fighting is getting the job you want, handling finding your perfect social circle, discovering yourself through what media best represents your heart.
A spark in the moment. I would like to offer you this, but it's not all that it takes. Realizing you're standing in the middle of the street doesn't mean you've bothered to get out of the way of oncoming traffic, does it? So how can something this complex really be put so simply. A spark in the moment, and my eyes opened. I've been cutting them out ever since.

Did you ever notice how much the world shapes you? It has become a common practice thanks to the field of psychology to talk about how our parents raised us, how the experiences in our life shaped us. The big events. Perhaps especially the ones you know to think are bad or that society disagrees with; these are the most common to address as suggested by current practice. The things we learned to see as good for us, these come up to, they must be to blame for what we learned about how to handle our worlds, or why we cling to holding up with the morals we perceive the rest of the world as representing for us, while criticizing the stupidity we see in the people around us we're simultaneously attributing these morals to.
So what looks into the way our television forms a culture in any serious semblance of discovery? The way that 'peer pressure' references, in practice, an extreme of a commonality that forms behaviors which condition the human condition into remaining consistent? What about our adaptations to desire, or the neglect of desire, as it rolls out... What about everything we chose growing up? Freud discussed the super ego, did anyone think that wanting to be a charming member of the royal class in a fantasy world might have shaped or revealed parts of themselves that define them today? Things like the need to be liked for posting on twitter? The desire to be accredited for saving the kingdom by taking down the big bad boss who was running on unfair rules? There's a retaliatory phrase we hear in media, "I'm not your little princess anymore, dad!" What does that teach you to believe, to feel, to think about what meant something to you as a child? What does that insinuate that we've already been learning to believe? Do you think that visuals can cause seizures? If emanating frequencies impact through the eye what's going on in that long channel of nerves leading to the back of your skull, do you think there's some chance that it has an improved opportunity to modify you? What happens when desperate isolated individuals look at small, blundering puppies, it certainly seems visual reception triggers all sorts of activity and association within the mind; and then it encourages behavior that intensifies this experience. I mean, do they get more or less affected by it when they give in to that risen desire to pet the young animal and start talking lines of what they've learned means happiness and love in appreciation?
Just in interest, I've watched someone treat animals in online-posted videos better than they treat their own pet. The impact of their responses is far more nurturing, far more tolerant, far more excited, far more liable towards signs of kindness. Do you really think this event offers no insight into details about what people are like these days? Who neglects their pets to watch to see someone else's through online videos? You can justify the phenomena, but I know by now that most people's justifications are covering up what they don't want to know, conveying things that only a minority can stand by in evidence.
The whole world is an experience, it changes you, it drives you, it teaches you. Humans never stop learning, never stop changing; things may solidify, but I assure you that the appropriate trauma will erase that behavior. The mind is more like gelatin than stone, and the whole thing is reactions, activity... chemicals, electrical signals. People behave differently when they're watching television, same person or no, they feel differently, they get inspired or disgusted, they walk away and they encourage everyone to do what they did. I used to encounter that activity in elementary school, our teachers taught us to do it; constantly. Everyone has to share, even those who don't want to partake; if you won't give in... there's that feeling of not being accepted, or good enough, or valuable to the classroom. That emptiness where emotional needs encourage you to draw up for emotional suppliance, don't you think that that might change someone? My teachers were innocent, naive. I would judge them as such if I knew them today, if my dug-up memories of what they were like show anything. A good heart does not a good impact make. Not anymore.

Everything. Having seen it can mean absolutely nothing. You look around you, at your room, perhaps you have a novel sitting somewhere. You can pick it up, take the time to read the whole thing, maybe you're particularly keen. Did you learn everything from that novel? Did it have values, ideas, information, plot, satisfaction within its pages? Was it enough? Do you feel satisfied? What if when you picked it up, even with it being something you hadn't read, you felt like you already new its story? You started reading its pages and everything made too much sense, you knew you couldn't say out loud what was going to happen next but none of the details were... new. Five pages in and you realize you don't want to read this story; someone says it gets better later on, you know it doesn't matter. It bores you, and one good moment isn't worth a lifetime of pursuit down roads you already walked, you just... hadn't realized it yet. You couldn't remember them, but the second you get there they are old and they are trite, and none of it impresses or thrills you. You come to realize that even when you reach the better part, it's all grown so dismal that better just isn't very impressive. "It's a brilliant shade of red darling, but so were the lips of the woman I was making out with last night, and I assure you... their taste was more impressive than their color." Things change, insignificance adopts new companions, and what are you? All alone, knowing things so much that you watch it and, every step of the way, it's just old news.
I hear people talk about movies they've seen "hundreds of times", they quote the lines and they laugh and... it's a more intensive display than any future partner could ever compete with trying to rise out of them. I know someone who loves them subconsciously notices this, somewhere. Maybe their emotions pick up on it for a moment, but as per commonality it gets ignored, they laugh alongside the moviegoer, life is perfect. I get sick. The entire moment is lost to their recollection. I looked away... for this? I dig another slice of flesh out of my eye socket. It's not good enough. I already know that story.

Disconnection from the material world can be difficult to achieve when compared to dissociation. While not every message is clear... if you stay amidst it long enough, sometimes you realize it's sunk in already.
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